Motivation-related rambling, english
This time, for the first time in my life, I know what I want to do. It’s a strange feeling… but not an unpleasant one. All the years of being unsure of what I want have finally built up inside me, and given me a kick in the right direction. I’m currently fixing my old grades from high school: a task I thought would be boring and hard, but has turned out to be a rather joyful experience. I’ve met several of new people that I really like, I’ve learned a lot(possibly not the things I should have learned, but..), and my previously scholastic ways have matured in a way I thought would never happen. And now I’m leaving. After seven years in this town, I’ve finally found people I like, and that I can hang out with and .. then it has to end. It’s sad, but it has to happen. If I am to ever get anything done, I need to move on. I need to apply for the education I want, and I need to actually take the proverbial plunge and just… jump. I wanna be a teacher, and I wanna teach. I wanna study languages, and write. I want to play with words, and make them do my bidding. I have too many ideas in my head when it comes to writing, I hardly know what to make of them all. They continually leak out into the ether as it is, but the bigger ones are still held back by the dyke I’ve built up in my mind that by now consist of mostly my own preconceptions and stupidities. That’s what I’ve done the last few years – convinced myself that I’m no good at doing things, just so I don’t actually have to try to achieve anything. They say that “If you never try, you cannot fail”. To me, that’s not true. If you never try, you ALWAYS fail. So I’m trying something new. I’m reaching outside the wall, going out of my comfort zone to try and become something else; what I’ll become remains to be seen. I might succeed and become a teacher, I might fail and become what I’ve always been at least in my own head – a loser. Only time can tell at this point.